I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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