does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
