Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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