broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
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I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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