my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
