I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
