My sheets look like a crime scene.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
