I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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