every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
