that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
