I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
