maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
