Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
