He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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