giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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