I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
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I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
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making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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