I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
