I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
