I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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