dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
