So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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