I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
I'm just looking out for you.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss