First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
