I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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