The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
