dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
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I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
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I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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