I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
