I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
