A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
