So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
