The maid of honor just puked.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
