I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
