At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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