im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
