Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
