he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Randomize
