i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
