you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Randomize
