His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
