Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
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we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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