I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
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