I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
