Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
