I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
