I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
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