Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
