i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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