I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
