just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
