Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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