Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
