EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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