i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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