we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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