If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
