I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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