My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
