We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
