I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
